Dating with Google
by LittlePrincessNana
Summary: Shinpachi knew his friends were nuts, but he never thought they'd go this far. In their desire to help their friend out, they set him up in an online dating site. And as luck would have it, they get a hit on the first day. (Rated M for language)


**Hi everyone!**

 **Recently,** **Dragon'sHost** **got me addicted to the glorious Anime** _ **Gintama**_ **. I'm only 10 episodes in and already I'm in love. But I saw a post on facebook about filing out a dating profile using Google to get your answers and it inspired this little piece of… whatever it is LOL!**

 **Dragon, hun, this is all for you and our shared love of the three dorks that are Gin, Kagura and Shin.**

 **I hope you enjoy the read! And yes… I plan on writing more in the future for this lovely series. Because… well… just one word. Takasugi. He's my newest bae hehe.**

* * *

"Shin-chan!"

Shinpachi sighed at the screeching voice calling him. He knew by the excited tone in her voice that something was not right. He'd been a part of their little _trio_ long enough. Of course, everything seemed to turn into a disaster, all too often ending with him at the short end of the stick. "I'm in the same room, Kagura-chan," he sighed as he glanced over at the redhead sitting at the computer.

"Oh," she blinked before an excited grin spread over her cherubic face. "I did a favor for you."

 _I don't need any favors, Demon._ "I'm almost afraid to ask."

"Stop being a pansy and come look."

The very fact that Gin was involved screamed that whatever the two were up to would result in the destruction of property. And most likely his dignity. Reluctantly, he pushed up from the couch and slowly made his way over to the desk. "I swear if you two hacked the Shinsengumi again," he groaned. "Or worse, the damn Amanto Embassy."

"Nooooo," the redhead cooed. "Even better, I set up a profile for you online."

Any hope for humor, or even just mild annoyance, flew out the window with her words. "You did what?"

"I suggested it," Gintoki blinked. "You said you wanted normal friends. So, I accepted the job."

 _Someone just kill me now. Please?_ "There was no job to accept, Gin-Chan."

"Sure there was and now we will find you a normal companion."

Fear, absolute terror, filled his entire person. Shinpachi knew that neither one of these idiots would know normal if it smacked them in the face with a thousand ships. He placed his hand on the chair that Kagura vacated and glanced at them both before taking a seat. One look at the screen and his jaw dropped. There was no ignoring the half naked older women at the top of the screen or the giant ass words. _Date-A-Milf_.

"Wh-what…" His words died as he struggled to process just what the hell he was seeing.

"It's an online dating site."

His lips moved long before sounds could form. "I CAN SEE THAT BUT WHY?"

"We're just trying to help, Shin-Chan," Kagura pouted as she leaned over to finger the mouse. "I even got Google to help me fill it out for you."

"I've been in the same room as you this whole time," he blinked. "Why not just ask me?"

The Ginger female stared blankly at him for a moment before responding. "Would you have given me the info to fill it out?"

"Well. No bu-"

"Exactly," Gintoki cut in. "That's why we used Google to obtain the answers."

He knew that there was no use in arguing with either of them. Turning back to the computer, he reached for the mouse but grimaced when his fingers met with something sticky on the black surface. Glancing up at the female, he shook his head and wiped his hand on his yukata before grabbing a kleenex to cover the defiled surface.

Shinpachi scrolled down past all the _member_ _package_ options. He had zero intentions of purchasing one. This was simply an exercise to satiate his mentally challenged companions. He reached the _About Me_ panel and clicked on the link.

 **Name:**

 **My name is Earl**

Shinpachi blinked at the first line on the page. _This… This is going to be a damn disaster. I can already tell._ Slowly turning from the screen, he shot a glare at the two grinning idiots behind him. "My name is NOT Earl!"

The redhead happily shrugged her shoulder as she took a lick of the fudge pop in her hand. "That's what Google said it was," she smiled. "Just go with it Shin-Chan."

"I think it fits," Gintoki shrugged as he ripped the frozen, chocolatey treat from the girl's hand. "And stay out of my sweets!"

Shinpachi sighed, pushing his glasses up his nose as he turned back. "I'm so afraid," he mumbled beneath his breath.

 **Age:**

 **My age in Korea**

 _Oh god… Did she just copy and paste this crap?_

 **Location:**

 **I Live in Your Basement**

"This makes me sound like a creepy pervert," he groaned.

"Well…"

"Gin-chan," he warned.

Kagura's disembodied giggle rang out behind him. "Just keep reading Shin-Chan."

 **Nationality:**

 **I was born By The River Remix**

 **Body Type:**

 **My body is Telling Me Yes**

 **I am looking for:**

 **I am looking for A room to rent in Soweto**

"Why the hell would I be on a dating site to find a room in South Africa?"

"It's what Google gave me," Kagura chuckled.

Reaching up, he pinched at his nose. He would definitely need migraine relief by the time he was done with this. He could already feel the dull throb beginning in his temples. "Bonjour much?"

"What?"

"Nothing," he sighed before continuing on.

 **I enjoy:**

 **I enjoy Being a girl I like to Cha Cha I like Turtles I like Burning Butt**

"Kagura-Chan?"

"Yes, Shin-Chan?"

"Do you know the difference between a girl and a boy?"

"Yes," the Redhead scoffed. "Girls are like boys just we broke our thingies off."

 _Bless her heart…_ "Search that on Google," Shinpachi deadpanned.

 **My ideal partner:**

 **A person who received land from an overlord who can declare war and who is my neighbor**

 _Gin-Chan must have added that crap! Self-righteous bastard..._

 **My turn ons are:**

 **cuddling and Netflix**

 _Wow, they actually got one thing right._

 **My turn offs are:**

 **being human and being assembled together with them**

 _WHAT. THE. ACTUAL FUCK?_

"Are you _trying_ to set me up with one of those dogs?" He fumed as he spun to face the duo behind him. They looked so incredibly pleased with themselves. It made him doubt for all of a nano-second on whether or not to kill them both in their sleep.

"I heard the Gorillas can be fun," Gintoki shrugged. "You might like it."

"I am not into fur-" His words halted as a bell sounded behind him. _Oh no…_ He was afraid to turn. He knew that sound. It was the same bell that played when he received mail when he was online. He started to turn but quickly found the chair, with him still firmly planted in it, skating across the room. There was no time to stop before he crashed into the wall with a sickening thud. _That's gonna leave a mark._

"Shin-Chan!" Kagura squealed in utter delight. "You've already got a member contacting you!"

"Don't to" He cried out as he pushed up to find her quickly typing away. "uch it…"

* * *

Okita deviously rubbed his hands together as he pushed away from the computer. The old men he'd overheard had been right. Using an online dating site had been the quickest way to find a psychopathic serial killer for hire. He could feel it in his bones.

' _A person who received land from an overlord who can declare war and who is my neighbor."_

That had to be code, just like a girl's name being Earl. It had been too perfect of a find. Finally, his dreams of ending Hijikata's life would come to fruition. He would be celebrating this night for sure. Humming a happy little tune, he strolled across the room and pulled his closet open. It was stuffed with the same exact coat and pants, but he needed to choose one that fit just right. He wanted to look his best when he went to meet with this _Girl named Earl._

"Why do you look like the cat that ate the canary?"

The sound of his Vice Commander made him jump. "Waah! Can't you knock?" he shrieked as he spun to glare at the overly handsome man.

"Your door was open," Hijikata blinked before taking a seat on the end of his bed.

 _Asshole. Soon, so very soon._ "Whatever," he grumbled before turning back to his closet. "Why are you in here bothering me?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted to grab a bite for dinner."

 _Oh, it would be lovely to watch you dine on your last meal._ A lecherous grin pulled at Okita's lips, a shadow falling over his face as he continued to sift through the coats. "I am sorry," he replied flatly. "I have plans already."

"Oh?" Hijikata questioned, almost hopeful sounding. "What are your plans?"

Finding one of his better suits, he pulled it from the closet and turned for his dresser. "I have a date."

"Oh…"

His brows furrowed at the dejected tone of his Vice Commander and he glanced over to find the man sitting there with a pout. For a millisecond, he actually felt a tiny bit guilty but it passed as quickly as it came. Remorse was not his strong suit. _Ya know…_ He studied the man for a moment as he contemplated the ideas that suddenly came to mind. He did not have a picture of the man, the ones he had previously owned all burned or ripped to shreds or so full of dart holes that his face was indistinguishable. Having him meet his eventual grim reaper seemed too bittersweet to resist. "Would you like to come?"

"On your date?" Hijikata questioned, caution written all over his face. "What kind of idiot brings a third wheel on a date?"

Okita gritted his teeth to keep from speaking the long string of curses and insults that flashed through his head like lightning. "Well, you often call me one," he replied sourly. "And what if she's hideous? I could use an excuse to leave."

The Vice Commander seemed to ponder the invite before giving a curt nod of his head. "This is true," he stated matter-of-factly. "I shall go, simply because I know the trouble you are prone to."

 _Asshole. Just wait… Just you wait…_

* * *

 _Why did I let them drag me into this? Oh, wait. I DIDN'T!_

Shinpachi tried pulling at the binding on his wrists once more but there was just no use. Bound, gagged and slung over Gintoki's shoulder, he was nothing but a useless sack of utter angst and rage. He knew this would happen and yet he'd stayed while they had corresponded with this _mystery_ girl. There were serious doubts in his head. Why would any woman in her right mind contact a girl/guy named Earl? _It's probably some sick, pervert old man who likes little boys._ His whole body shuddered at the thought. It would just be his luck. With Gin and Kagura being involved, that _was_ his luck.

"Ok Gin-Chan," Kagura whispered. "This is the room."

Thankfully, he quickly found himself planted back on his feet. His head pounded from the blood that had pooled in his brain. Being carried virtually upside down did that to a person. The blindfold from his eyes was removed and he blinked at the brightness of the hallway they stood in. It appeared to be a traditional tea house, with rice paper sliding doors that led to what should be private rooms.

"Shinpachi," Gintoki started. "We will remove your gag but you have to promise not to scream."

He groaned his response, the sound muffled and distorted by the roll of socks that was sapping the fluid from his mouth. When neither made a move to untie the strip of fabric holding it in, he gave a nod of his head. He did have half a mind to do just that, scream and run for his life, but he knew the repercussions. They would both hunt him down and drag him right back there.

"Alright," Kagura giggled softly. "Time to meet your future wife!"

Shinpachi rolled his eyes as he reached up to rub at his aching jaw. "Whatever."

Dread pooled in the pit of his stomach as he was shoved towards the door. He gave a quick glance back, the color draining from his face when he saw the perm-headed fool rest his hand on the hilt of his sword. His hands trembled as he reached up to slowly slide the door open. "Konichi-WHAT?"

In the place of what he had truly hoped was at least someone of the female persuasion, sat none other than two of the Shinsengumi. He immediately recognized the wretched Vice Command and his seemingly half-cracked slacky. _Could my day possibly get any fucking worse?_

"Oh. This is awkward," Okita groaned.

"Okita," Hijikata grimaced. "You were right, she's hideous. Let's leave."

* * *

 **And there you have my little drabble of insanity!**

 **I know, I am supposed to be working on** _ **A Soulful Fugue**_ **but this just begged to be written. Now, I am returning to the love that is LaxCo!**

 **Please remember to review, follow and fav!**

 **Big hugs and much love,**

 **Princess Nana**


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